Stan Kegel
20 years ago
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS PARODIES
An American Christmas
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
my daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree, I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep
in perfect contentment, or so it would seem.
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eye when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
and I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,
to the window that danced with a warm fire's light
then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night"
"Its my duty to stand at the front of the line,
that separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red white and blue... an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home,
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat,
I can carry the weight of killing another
or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers
who stand at the front against any and all,
to insure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone.
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
to know you remember we fought and we bled
is payment enough, and with that we will trust.
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.
(Author unknown)
=====
A Defence Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ElInt and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter;
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Then the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
For look how the gadgets we use to protect us
In other ways alter, transform and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
=====
A Military Christmas
There's a chill in the air and the sweet smell of pine,
Friends coming together it's Christmas time.
Children playing with sleds on the new fallen snow,
Toys in store windows have their eyes all a glow.
Chapel bells ringing from the old town square,
Decorations on Main Street being put up with care.
Christmas shoppers beginning to fill the malls,
Where trees are adorned with garland and balls.
Out Christmas shopping I spotted a sign,
Santa's Work Shop, with children in line.
I walked up closer so that I could hear,
What the children wanted from Santa this year.
When from in line I saw a young lad,
By the look on his face, I could tell he was sad.
I walked up closer so that I could see,
As he took his turn upon Santa's knee.
Santa, I don't want toys under the tree,
All I want is my Daddy, here with Mommy and me.
It's been so long since he's been gone,
When he left the grass was still green on the lawn.
You see, we're in the Military and he had to go,
And Mommy and I miss him, more than you know.
When I'm in bed and she thinks I'm asleep,
She reads over his letters and starts to weep.
But, if you can't do it, I'll understand,
Since Daddy's been gone, I'm Mom's little man.
As you deliver your presents, give a message from me,
We gave up Christmas with Daddy, so Afghan women and children stay free!
(Anon)
=====
The Night Before Christmas, for Moms
'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping,all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
She'll cook, she'll dust.She also is wise.
She'll mop every mess with a wink and a snap
You can watch the soaps & perhaps take a nap
"My dream come true! "I'll read., I'll shop!
I'll talk on the phone & never stop.
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I'm scared, I'm cold and I 'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever.I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa,for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."
=====
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ WOMANS VIEW
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
=====
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
=====
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ SENIORS STYLE
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry:
The punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candles' magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Ten puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social-security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds,
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Soon you'll be with us; we wish you the best.
(Anon.)
=====
A College Version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before finals, And all through the college,
The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreading exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books,
And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver,
But each place I called Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
"What kind of student Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered, She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing Outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."
=====
THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Joyce Luke
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn - which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
=====
'TWAS THE LAST SHOPPING NIGHT
By Jake Cooney
'Twas the Last Shopping Night when Santa went on strike.
Creatures were stirring like the guy who stole my bike.
Mama in her Prada (knockoffs) and I in a fog
Had just passed out from drinking too much eggnog.
When out on the sidewalk there arose such a clatter
She made me get up to see what the hell was the matter.
The streetlight on the breast of the dirty black snow
Lit the way for the mob of angry shoppers below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a miniature taxi and eight tiny reindeer!
With a little old driver so lively and quick
I couldn't believe it- some bum dressed like St. Nick!
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name,
"Now, TONY! Now, TRIXI! LUM-LUM and RAFIKA!
On ROXY! On RUBY! SAL, and SHENIQUA!
To the top of the building! Not a second later!
Get outta the cab and in the elevator!"
Past the garbage toward the lobby they burst
But couldn't get in without buzzing our door first.
"Who is it?" I said, reaching for a sneaker
"Santa Claus," he shouted, too close to the speaker.
"Wrong apartment," I said, but it didn't do a thing,
For the crazy fat man continued to ring.
I screamed, "What do you want?" almost out of my tree.
He paused a moment, then said..."Gas company?"
Buzzing him in, I spotted the clock.
Gasman at midnight? Better keep the door locked.
As I peered through the peephole I began to fidget.
They looked like reindeer but might be prostitute midgets.
His eyes how they twinkle His dimples how merry!
Probably drank too much- had a nose like a cherry.
Wheezing as if having an asthma attack
His beard was white but his eyebrows were black.
The stump of a pipe he clenched tight in his teeth
And I thought I detected the smell of hashish.
With a broad face and a Don Zimmer belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
"I come bearing gifts," he went on to say.
I feigned ignorance, "Yo, no hablas anglais."
"You want your gift or not?"
He yelled without fear.
I said, "Why you dressed like Santa
And what's up with the reindeer?"
Under his breath, he bitterly remarked,
"'Cause I am Santa, moron, and I'm also double-parked."
"Yeah right, you're a fat guy in a fleece!
And you better leave now or I'll call the police."
Then he spoke not a word, for his reindeer he sent
And twinkling his nose, down the elevator they went.
Away to the windowsill I threw open the sash
And spied a shiny red bike thrown out in the trash!
Off in his cab, he went into the night,
And screeching away lit his " Off Duty" light.
But I heard him scream as he hit a pothole and flew
"No More New York And No Bike For You!!!"
=====
An ER Christmas
'Twas the night before surgery, and all 'cross the floor
The patients were buzzing 'bout the guy in Room Four.
His chart was hung on his door with great care
To make sure his name was not shown anywhere.
The patients were nestled all snug in their beds
While telemetry monitors beeped overhead.
And I in my gown, with its crack in the back,
Had just settled down for my clear liquid snack.
When down the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
I pulled off my leads and flew out the door,
With my IV pole dragging behind on the floor.
Away to Room Four I hurriedly dashed
Unaware of my gown and the nurses I flashed.
As I slid to a halt and leaned to peek in
I heard the nurse say, "Sir, you mustn't go in!"
And what did I see when I looked in Bed A
But Ole Mr. Claus; on his belly he lay.
Covered in gauze and stuck high in the air,
Oh, what a sight, 'twas St. Nick's derriere!
He was yelling at Doris, the nurse at his side
To be tied to this bed, he just could not abide.
He moaned and he bellowed about his ill luck
But there was just nothing for it; the old man was stuck.
"What happened to Santa?" to Doris I said,
"Why is he on his belly in this hospital bed?"
With a grin she whispered, "He did something stupid.
He injured his butt when he backed into Cupid."
But the old man's ears were sharp as tack.
He heard what she said there behind his back.
"You had no right to speak, and that is a fact!
Don't you know about HIPAA, the privacy act?"
"You're out of compliance, Doris, my dear.
You had no right to tell him 'bout my injured rear!
I'll sue you for breach, and this hospital, too!
You won't have a job when I'm through with you!"
"When I check my list and then check it twice,
You'll be in the column labeled 'Not Nice.'
The HIPAA patrol will likewise drop by
To find out why you, Doris, did not comply!"
"They'll want to know why you opened your yap,
A big, hefty fine on your butt they will slap.
And from me every Christmas you will now see
Nothing but switches and coal 'neath your tree."
Merry Christmas and HIPAA New Year!
=====
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH
'Twas the night before Chanukah and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping, uneasily felt
The chocolate rush from the Chanukah gelt
And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof (and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet, or only a schnorrer?
He wasn't alone; he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling; do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay, and so were the pants.
He was triple XL, a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out, "Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"
He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing, They're dreying my kopp!"
From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents, and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yentehed, and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad, a living I make,
But I'm getting too old for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit, and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All, Vey is Mir, Such a Na (Author Unknown)
=====
'Twas the night before Christmas, Mexican Style
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pajamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!
=====
'Twas the Night After Christmas"
By Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut
belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standi right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
=====
A Jewish Christmas Eve
Twas the night before Christmas,and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me We had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover our heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shue and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfasted and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend well she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovershome through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all and to all a Good Night!"
=====
A Cool Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the pad
Not a hip cat was swinging, and thats nowhere Dad
The stove was hung up on that stocking routine,
In hopes that the fat man would soon make the scene.
The kids had all had it so they hit their sacks,
And me and the bride had begun to relax,
When there started a rumble that came on real frantic
so I opened the window to figure the panic.
I saw a square short that was making fat tracks,
Being pulled by eight dogs who was wearing hat racks,
And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid,
He told em to make it and, man, like they did.
I couldnt help digging the scene on the roof
As I stood there just waiting for chubby to goof.
They stood by the chimney in bunches and clusters,
Til tubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters.
His threads were the squarest and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his ivy league buckle.
The mop on his chin hid his button-down collar
And with that red nose, man, he looked like a baller.
Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But face it, who cares when he left all that loot.
He laid the jazz on me and fled from the gig.
Wailing, "Have a cool yule and man, later, like dig."
=====
A Texas Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, Without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, Were Buddy and Sue,
A dreaming of Christmas, Like me and like you.
Not stockings but boots, At the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?
When all of a sudden From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, It gave me a fright!
And I saw cross the prairie, Like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.
The driver was "whistling" And "shouting" with a will,
The "Horses" (not reindeer) He drove with such skill.
"Come on there Buck, Poncho, And Prince, to the right"
There'll be plenty of travelin' For you-all tonight..
The driver in his Levis, And a shirt that was red,
Had a 10 gallon Stetson On the top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, He was really a sight,
with his beard So curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, Tthe children awoke,
And both so astonished, That neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots With such presents galore,
That neither could think Of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered The use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"
"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave His mysterious wink.
Then he left in his buckboard, And called back in a drawl,
To all children of Texas Merry Christmas Yee Haw!
=====
Christmas Eve in Brooklyn
'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin', I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof' I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny, And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough, And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit' a slap to dere snouts, And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot, His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage, He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas, And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.
But I heard him exclaim, Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and Bite me, ya hump!"
====
A Redneck Night Before Christmas
'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"
=====
CHRISTMAS POEM FROM THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH
(must be read with the appropriate accent)
Der night next vas Christmas Der Night it vas still;
Der shtockings ver hung By der chimney to fill.
Noddink vas shturring At all in der house
For fear do Saint Nicholas Vas nix komm heraus.
Der childrun ver dried Und gone to der bed
Und mutter in nightgown Und I on ahead
Vas searching around In der trunk for der toys
Und ve crept around kviet Not to make any noise.
Now mutter vas carrying All der toys in her gown
Und showink her person From up her vaist down
Venn as ve komm near Der crip uff our boy
Our youngest und shveetest Our pride und our choy.
His eyes ver vide open As he peeked from his cot
Und seen efferytink dot His mutter has got.
But he didn't even notice Der toys in her lap.
He chust asked, "Vot is Dat liddle fur cap?"
Und mutter said, "Hush" Und den laffed mit delight
"I tink I giff dot To you fotter tonight."
=====
An Arkansas Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', From the front to the back,
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, Was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin', Up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch Howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin' Of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, There's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine Dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons Of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, Like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, Down off the blocks.
Then in the yard, Such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, In the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window, And saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, Was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa, In your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie, Our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin, And they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course, A sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, To a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof, With his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, All dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches Chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, He looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy, From his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Light Beer",
there was no red hat, his cap read,"John Deere".
He left all the presents, With an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, And into the night.
He ran into the yard, And threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, To get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim, As those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night.....
Or maybe it was a "bud lite"
=====
A Florida Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas And all through the town,
No noses were frozen, No snow fluttered down,
No children in flannels Were tucked into bed,
They all wore shorty Pajamas instead.
To find wreaths of holly, T'was not very hard,
For holly trees grew In every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
Adorning the bushes And coconut palms.
The sleeping kiddies Were dreaming in glee,
Hoping to find water skis Under the tree.
They all knew that Santa Was well on his way,
In a Mercedes-Benz, Instead of a sleigh.
And soon he arrived And started to work,
He hadn't a second To linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways And zoomed up the road,
In a S-L 300, Delivering his loads.
The tropical moon gave The city a glow,
And lighted the way For old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto He gave a wee chuckle,
He was dressed in Bermudas With an Ivy league buckle,
There weren't any chimneys, But that caused no gloom,
For Santa came in Through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house.. Stayed only a minute,
Emptying his sack Of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, He treated himself
To a glass of papaya Juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk And bounced to the car,
Remembering he still Had to go very far.
He shifted the gears And stepped on the gas
and up I-95 He went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim As he went on his way,
"Merry Christmas Y'all, I wish I could stay!"
=====
STAR TREK - THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"
As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
=====
A Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II is for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mom,
To ***@toyshop.northpole.com
Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds that he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion, and the old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMs
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, Adobe! now, Claris! now, Intuit! too,
Now, Apple! and Netscape! you're all of you through,
It's Microsoft's Santa that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the Nasdaq! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The Santalite owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
Have A Microsoft Christmas,
And To All A Good Night.
(Chet Raymo)
=====
An AOL Night Before Christmas
T'was a month before Christmas From my wife came the wail,
"Take out the garbage And go get the mail."
So I trudged to my mailbox And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc And computer CD!
'Twas a limited offer From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling That this deal was fine!
"Unlimited" access for one little fee,
And if I didn't like it I could cancel it free.
So I plugged the thing in And it just wouldn't load,
The message said "Error!" And something in code.
And this is when I Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours For "Customer Service."
This techno-geek helped me To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA I keep in my wallet.
So I gave him my number And what did I spy?
"Terms and Conditions" screens Whistling by.
Then I got me a password Now I'd surf the Net!
But I never hit waves, Man, I never got wet.
I soon got so mad I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying But lines were all busy!
And all through the month I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear Was the "busy" sound ring.
So I called 1-800 And the AOL number
And waited on hold 'Til I lapsed into slumber.
So I tried then to cancel But where's the address?
Somewhere in Virginia? It's anyone's guess.
And several days later I heard on the news
That 8 million people Were trying to use
This AOL network At the very same time
And that's when this CEO Weasel-necked Slime
Announced the solution On how to log on,
Don't hog the phone lines And call in at dawn!
As you can imagine This didn't sit well
With lots of mad users Who started to yell.
And soon the AG's Joined them in the attack,
"Give them their money (Or at least part of it back)!"
And this Weasle-Man leader Tried to calm down the throng:
"Hey, I wanted those refunds For you all along!"
So in grandiose fashion And a big press release
Members were told How to get back their piece.
"Just call up this number And ask for your money,"
But then something happened That's practically funny.
When you call up the number (Don't get in a tizzy)
You can't get your refund Cause the damn number's busy!!!
An American Christmas
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
my daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree, I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep
in perfect contentment, or so it would seem.
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eye when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
and I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,
to the window that danced with a warm fire's light
then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night"
"Its my duty to stand at the front of the line,
that separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red white and blue... an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home,
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat,
I can carry the weight of killing another
or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers
who stand at the front against any and all,
to insure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone.
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
to know you remember we fought and we bled
is payment enough, and with that we will trust.
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.
(Author unknown)
=====
A Defence Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ElInt and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter;
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Then the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
For look how the gadgets we use to protect us
In other ways alter, transform and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
=====
A Military Christmas
There's a chill in the air and the sweet smell of pine,
Friends coming together it's Christmas time.
Children playing with sleds on the new fallen snow,
Toys in store windows have their eyes all a glow.
Chapel bells ringing from the old town square,
Decorations on Main Street being put up with care.
Christmas shoppers beginning to fill the malls,
Where trees are adorned with garland and balls.
Out Christmas shopping I spotted a sign,
Santa's Work Shop, with children in line.
I walked up closer so that I could hear,
What the children wanted from Santa this year.
When from in line I saw a young lad,
By the look on his face, I could tell he was sad.
I walked up closer so that I could see,
As he took his turn upon Santa's knee.
Santa, I don't want toys under the tree,
All I want is my Daddy, here with Mommy and me.
It's been so long since he's been gone,
When he left the grass was still green on the lawn.
You see, we're in the Military and he had to go,
And Mommy and I miss him, more than you know.
When I'm in bed and she thinks I'm asleep,
She reads over his letters and starts to weep.
But, if you can't do it, I'll understand,
Since Daddy's been gone, I'm Mom's little man.
As you deliver your presents, give a message from me,
We gave up Christmas with Daddy, so Afghan women and children stay free!
(Anon)
=====
The Night Before Christmas, for Moms
'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping,all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
She'll cook, she'll dust.She also is wise.
She'll mop every mess with a wink and a snap
You can watch the soaps & perhaps take a nap
"My dream come true! "I'll read., I'll shop!
I'll talk on the phone & never stop.
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I'm scared, I'm cold and I 'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever.I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa,for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."
=====
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ WOMANS VIEW
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
=====
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
=====
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ SENIORS STYLE
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry:
The punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candles' magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Ten puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social-security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds,
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Soon you'll be with us; we wish you the best.
(Anon.)
=====
A College Version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before finals, And all through the college,
The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreading exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books,
And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver,
But each place I called Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
"What kind of student Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered, She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing Outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."
=====
THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Joyce Luke
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn - which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
=====
'TWAS THE LAST SHOPPING NIGHT
By Jake Cooney
'Twas the Last Shopping Night when Santa went on strike.
Creatures were stirring like the guy who stole my bike.
Mama in her Prada (knockoffs) and I in a fog
Had just passed out from drinking too much eggnog.
When out on the sidewalk there arose such a clatter
She made me get up to see what the hell was the matter.
The streetlight on the breast of the dirty black snow
Lit the way for the mob of angry shoppers below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a miniature taxi and eight tiny reindeer!
With a little old driver so lively and quick
I couldn't believe it- some bum dressed like St. Nick!
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name,
"Now, TONY! Now, TRIXI! LUM-LUM and RAFIKA!
On ROXY! On RUBY! SAL, and SHENIQUA!
To the top of the building! Not a second later!
Get outta the cab and in the elevator!"
Past the garbage toward the lobby they burst
But couldn't get in without buzzing our door first.
"Who is it?" I said, reaching for a sneaker
"Santa Claus," he shouted, too close to the speaker.
"Wrong apartment," I said, but it didn't do a thing,
For the crazy fat man continued to ring.
I screamed, "What do you want?" almost out of my tree.
He paused a moment, then said..."Gas company?"
Buzzing him in, I spotted the clock.
Gasman at midnight? Better keep the door locked.
As I peered through the peephole I began to fidget.
They looked like reindeer but might be prostitute midgets.
His eyes how they twinkle His dimples how merry!
Probably drank too much- had a nose like a cherry.
Wheezing as if having an asthma attack
His beard was white but his eyebrows were black.
The stump of a pipe he clenched tight in his teeth
And I thought I detected the smell of hashish.
With a broad face and a Don Zimmer belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
"I come bearing gifts," he went on to say.
I feigned ignorance, "Yo, no hablas anglais."
"You want your gift or not?"
He yelled without fear.
I said, "Why you dressed like Santa
And what's up with the reindeer?"
Under his breath, he bitterly remarked,
"'Cause I am Santa, moron, and I'm also double-parked."
"Yeah right, you're a fat guy in a fleece!
And you better leave now or I'll call the police."
Then he spoke not a word, for his reindeer he sent
And twinkling his nose, down the elevator they went.
Away to the windowsill I threw open the sash
And spied a shiny red bike thrown out in the trash!
Off in his cab, he went into the night,
And screeching away lit his " Off Duty" light.
But I heard him scream as he hit a pothole and flew
"No More New York And No Bike For You!!!"
=====
An ER Christmas
'Twas the night before surgery, and all 'cross the floor
The patients were buzzing 'bout the guy in Room Four.
His chart was hung on his door with great care
To make sure his name was not shown anywhere.
The patients were nestled all snug in their beds
While telemetry monitors beeped overhead.
And I in my gown, with its crack in the back,
Had just settled down for my clear liquid snack.
When down the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
I pulled off my leads and flew out the door,
With my IV pole dragging behind on the floor.
Away to Room Four I hurriedly dashed
Unaware of my gown and the nurses I flashed.
As I slid to a halt and leaned to peek in
I heard the nurse say, "Sir, you mustn't go in!"
And what did I see when I looked in Bed A
But Ole Mr. Claus; on his belly he lay.
Covered in gauze and stuck high in the air,
Oh, what a sight, 'twas St. Nick's derriere!
He was yelling at Doris, the nurse at his side
To be tied to this bed, he just could not abide.
He moaned and he bellowed about his ill luck
But there was just nothing for it; the old man was stuck.
"What happened to Santa?" to Doris I said,
"Why is he on his belly in this hospital bed?"
With a grin she whispered, "He did something stupid.
He injured his butt when he backed into Cupid."
But the old man's ears were sharp as tack.
He heard what she said there behind his back.
"You had no right to speak, and that is a fact!
Don't you know about HIPAA, the privacy act?"
"You're out of compliance, Doris, my dear.
You had no right to tell him 'bout my injured rear!
I'll sue you for breach, and this hospital, too!
You won't have a job when I'm through with you!"
"When I check my list and then check it twice,
You'll be in the column labeled 'Not Nice.'
The HIPAA patrol will likewise drop by
To find out why you, Doris, did not comply!"
"They'll want to know why you opened your yap,
A big, hefty fine on your butt they will slap.
And from me every Christmas you will now see
Nothing but switches and coal 'neath your tree."
Merry Christmas and HIPAA New Year!
=====
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH
'Twas the night before Chanukah and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping, uneasily felt
The chocolate rush from the Chanukah gelt
And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof (and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet, or only a schnorrer?
He wasn't alone; he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling; do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay, and so were the pants.
He was triple XL, a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out, "Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"
He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing, They're dreying my kopp!"
From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents, and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yentehed, and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad, a living I make,
But I'm getting too old for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit, and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All, Vey is Mir, Such a Na (Author Unknown)
=====
'Twas the night before Christmas, Mexican Style
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pajamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!
=====
'Twas the Night After Christmas"
By Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut
belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standi right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
=====
A Jewish Christmas Eve
Twas the night before Christmas,and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me We had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover our heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shue and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfasted and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend well she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovershome through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all and to all a Good Night!"
=====
A Cool Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the pad
Not a hip cat was swinging, and thats nowhere Dad
The stove was hung up on that stocking routine,
In hopes that the fat man would soon make the scene.
The kids had all had it so they hit their sacks,
And me and the bride had begun to relax,
When there started a rumble that came on real frantic
so I opened the window to figure the panic.
I saw a square short that was making fat tracks,
Being pulled by eight dogs who was wearing hat racks,
And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid,
He told em to make it and, man, like they did.
I couldnt help digging the scene on the roof
As I stood there just waiting for chubby to goof.
They stood by the chimney in bunches and clusters,
Til tubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters.
His threads were the squarest and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his ivy league buckle.
The mop on his chin hid his button-down collar
And with that red nose, man, he looked like a baller.
Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But face it, who cares when he left all that loot.
He laid the jazz on me and fled from the gig.
Wailing, "Have a cool yule and man, later, like dig."
=====
A Texas Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, Without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, Were Buddy and Sue,
A dreaming of Christmas, Like me and like you.
Not stockings but boots, At the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?
When all of a sudden From out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, It gave me a fright!
And I saw cross the prairie, Like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.
The driver was "whistling" And "shouting" with a will,
The "Horses" (not reindeer) He drove with such skill.
"Come on there Buck, Poncho, And Prince, to the right"
There'll be plenty of travelin' For you-all tonight..
The driver in his Levis, And a shirt that was red,
Had a 10 gallon Stetson On the top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, He was really a sight,
with his beard So curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, Tthe children awoke,
And both so astonished, That neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots With such presents galore,
That neither could think Of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered The use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"
"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave His mysterious wink.
Then he left in his buckboard, And called back in a drawl,
To all children of Texas Merry Christmas Yee Haw!
=====
Christmas Eve in Brooklyn
'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin', I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof' I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny, And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough, And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit' a slap to dere snouts, And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot, His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage, He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas, And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.
But I heard him exclaim, Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and Bite me, ya hump!"
====
A Redneck Night Before Christmas
'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"
=====
CHRISTMAS POEM FROM THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH
(must be read with the appropriate accent)
Der night next vas Christmas Der Night it vas still;
Der shtockings ver hung By der chimney to fill.
Noddink vas shturring At all in der house
For fear do Saint Nicholas Vas nix komm heraus.
Der childrun ver dried Und gone to der bed
Und mutter in nightgown Und I on ahead
Vas searching around In der trunk for der toys
Und ve crept around kviet Not to make any noise.
Now mutter vas carrying All der toys in her gown
Und showink her person From up her vaist down
Venn as ve komm near Der crip uff our boy
Our youngest und shveetest Our pride und our choy.
His eyes ver vide open As he peeked from his cot
Und seen efferytink dot His mutter has got.
But he didn't even notice Der toys in her lap.
He chust asked, "Vot is Dat liddle fur cap?"
Und mutter said, "Hush" Und den laffed mit delight
"I tink I giff dot To you fotter tonight."
=====
An Arkansas Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', From the front to the back,
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, Was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin', Up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch Howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin' Of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, There's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine Dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons Of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, Like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, Down off the blocks.
Then in the yard, Such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, In the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window, And saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, Was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa, In your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie, Our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin, And they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course, A sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, To a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof, With his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, All dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches Chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, He looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy, From his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Light Beer",
there was no red hat, his cap read,"John Deere".
He left all the presents, With an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, And into the night.
He ran into the yard, And threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, To get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim, As those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night.....
Or maybe it was a "bud lite"
=====
A Florida Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas And all through the town,
No noses were frozen, No snow fluttered down,
No children in flannels Were tucked into bed,
They all wore shorty Pajamas instead.
To find wreaths of holly, T'was not very hard,
For holly trees grew In every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
Adorning the bushes And coconut palms.
The sleeping kiddies Were dreaming in glee,
Hoping to find water skis Under the tree.
They all knew that Santa Was well on his way,
In a Mercedes-Benz, Instead of a sleigh.
And soon he arrived And started to work,
He hadn't a second To linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways And zoomed up the road,
In a S-L 300, Delivering his loads.
The tropical moon gave The city a glow,
And lighted the way For old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto He gave a wee chuckle,
He was dressed in Bermudas With an Ivy league buckle,
There weren't any chimneys, But that caused no gloom,
For Santa came in Through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house.. Stayed only a minute,
Emptying his sack Of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, He treated himself
To a glass of papaya Juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk And bounced to the car,
Remembering he still Had to go very far.
He shifted the gears And stepped on the gas
and up I-95 He went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim As he went on his way,
"Merry Christmas Y'all, I wish I could stay!"
=====
STAR TREK - THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"
As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
=====
A Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II is for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mom,
To ***@toyshop.northpole.com
Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds that he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion, and the old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMs
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, Adobe! now, Claris! now, Intuit! too,
Now, Apple! and Netscape! you're all of you through,
It's Microsoft's Santa that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the Nasdaq! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The Santalite owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
Have A Microsoft Christmas,
And To All A Good Night.
(Chet Raymo)
=====
An AOL Night Before Christmas
T'was a month before Christmas From my wife came the wail,
"Take out the garbage And go get the mail."
So I trudged to my mailbox And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc And computer CD!
'Twas a limited offer From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling That this deal was fine!
"Unlimited" access for one little fee,
And if I didn't like it I could cancel it free.
So I plugged the thing in And it just wouldn't load,
The message said "Error!" And something in code.
And this is when I Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours For "Customer Service."
This techno-geek helped me To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA I keep in my wallet.
So I gave him my number And what did I spy?
"Terms and Conditions" screens Whistling by.
Then I got me a password Now I'd surf the Net!
But I never hit waves, Man, I never got wet.
I soon got so mad I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying But lines were all busy!
And all through the month I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear Was the "busy" sound ring.
So I called 1-800 And the AOL number
And waited on hold 'Til I lapsed into slumber.
So I tried then to cancel But where's the address?
Somewhere in Virginia? It's anyone's guess.
And several days later I heard on the news
That 8 million people Were trying to use
This AOL network At the very same time
And that's when this CEO Weasel-necked Slime
Announced the solution On how to log on,
Don't hog the phone lines And call in at dawn!
As you can imagine This didn't sit well
With lots of mad users Who started to yell.
And soon the AG's Joined them in the attack,
"Give them their money (Or at least part of it back)!"
And this Weasle-Man leader Tried to calm down the throng:
"Hey, I wanted those refunds For you all along!"
So in grandiose fashion And a big press release
Members were told How to get back their piece.
"Just call up this number And ask for your money,"
But then something happened That's practically funny.
When you call up the number (Don't get in a tizzy)
You can't get your refund Cause the damn number's busy!!!